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  Date: March 7, 2016

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Now, I have spent time trying to console someone. In fact, a total stranger whom my diicck had adopted. I had done all I could to make her keep quiet which she did and now, I am stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea. I can’t sleep in her house, my body will be found pounded with pestle and cooked with hot water. I can’t attempt to go outside. Those guys smoking would strip me to my boxers. What do I do?

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Such was the delima I found myself in. Even though I had announced my going, I had made no effort to get up. I was still seated. I was doing all the calculations in my head. I was still dressed in my working clothes. My school bag containing my laptop was still slung over my shoulder. My shoes which was polished that morning and which I had just both the previous week adorned my legs. My clothes were new too. Wahala ti de!!!

“I think I should be going”

I made the announcement again. What was I expecting? An offer to sleep in her house?

“Owk love, good night.”

Now I’m fucckked. I asked myself questions only I could produce answer to. What happens if my laptop is taken away? The clothes no go be problem o, but the laptop? Modem? Nairaland (Seun, make your head no big), facebook? Kai, I enter one chance all in the name of getting an extra pusssyy for my diicckk. Kai, the brain in my diicckk really need to be checked.

“Baby”

The first time I am calling her baby.

“You know I am so tired. This bag is weighing me down. You should help keep it for me, I will send my younger brother to collect it tomorrow.”

Like I had magic cowrie sewn into my tongue, she just accepted the bag without questions. Kai, my phones had miraculously found its way into my bag. Don’t ask me how. Your brain processes information and tasks at 10000000000000000 Zilabytes when you are faced with very difficult tasks.

“Good night angel”

I kissed her lightly on the lips and pulled the gate open. The babe no even follow me go outside self. So much for love abi? I got outside and started walking home majestically throwing my hands in the air like I had no care in the world. My heart was beating right in my brain. I swear no be lie. You know when your pulse transfers from your wrists to that tiny vein on your head and start doing “dut dut dut”, that was exactly how I felt that night.

“Na where you dey come from without shoes na”
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My younger bro asked immediately I stepped into the sitting room. My breath was high but who cares. Na only shoe na and seriously nobody asked me for it. I only heard “hey hey hey”, and my legs kicked in. The shoes found their ways out of my leg when the acted as a decelerating force-field.

“From work na. But men, some agberos been dey fight for junction walai. Na run I carry comot from there”

I said breathlessly while I proceeded to the kitchen to dish food for myself.

*******************************************************************

The next day, I had already left instructions for my brother to retrieve my items from Perpetual. I was in the office feeling uneasy and trying to concentrate. No phone to play with, nothing to do. Just sitting my black Bottom and browsing through Nairaland. Each time I will have this feeling like my phone is vibrating in my pocket but men, nothing.

I closed and got home to meet my brother watching a movie on my laptop.

“Attai, I see your show for road o”

He said to me and smiled briefly while I frowned and went to pick my phone. It was off. Well, I had switched it off.

“Hello, Perpetual. Yeah. Thank you for yesterday. No, can’t come.”

That was how the conversation flowed.

“I am not feeling too well. My stomach is paining me”

She said, making her voice sound like a baby. My brain processed the information the normal way so my reply was in the normal way too.

“Sorry my love. I wish I am there right now. I would have worked on it”

She paused.

“Go jor. You that say you can’t come.”

“Yeah, I can’t really. I am very busy right now. Loads and loads of work to do.”

I replied trying to pacify her.

“So it is only sorry you will tell me ko”

Now where is she headed to.

“Lots of love baby, muah muah”

I blew kisses into the phone.

“mtchwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww”

You know that kind of his that make ones ear drum vibrate. I pulled my phone out of my ear and looked at the screen to be such her lips were not going to come out and suck my ear drum outta my ear.

“Ah ah, what did I do na?”

I asked.

“Na only love I go chop? Abi na your kisses I go drink?”

Kai, now that was harsh. But what was more harsher is the next sound that followed.

“Kuchup. Kpoo kpoo kpoon”

She had dropped the call on me.

“Stylez”

I said referring to my younger brother.

“Go buy me MTN N400 own”

Moments later.

“Attai, I love you. You are the best thing that ever happened to me.”

Okay, I know what you guys are thinking. I just played the mugu. But to me? For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. N400 no be child’s play and I go draw the oil equivalent. If only the oil would come quickly.

My phone started ringing almost immediately that I dropped the call. It was a strange number. Owk, every number for my phone dey strange. Una no fit blame me na. Na so I pick the call.

“Hello, Attai?”

The person call my name like say e no dey sure and na woman voice the person get self.

“Yes, na Attai”

I answer am back.

“It is me”

You who? I resemble magician.
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“Sorry, I misplaced my phone so I lost all my contacts. Don’t be angry, who am I speaking with.”

Any of una wey dey read this story wey don call me before go understand say na so I dey take tell person say I no get him number. Sometimes self, na forget I dey always forget to save the number.

“It’s Hannah”

The next question wey suppose comot from my mouth na “which of the Hannahs” but I dey craze? Na so my former babe carry break up with me because I mistakenly ask her, which of the Lindas.

“Hannah…. uhmm…..”

Just to but time.

“You gave me your card yesterday. We met in the bus.”

Bingo, no Bruno, no Lucky, no Tiger!!!

“Yeah, I remember.”

“I tried your number a couple of times yesterday but it wasn’t going through.”

She said, her voice dey sound like say she wan cry.

“I am sorry about that. There was no light to charge my phone and my generator had fault”

Now, that is one big lie. Una no fit blame me na, you have to do the do to get the pucci.

“Uhm…. Can I come?”

Chineke, the babe was leading me o. Naturally, my diicckk kicked in and it replied instead of my mouth.

“Okay. Meet me at Oceanic Bakery. Do you know there?”
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I asked abi, my dicckk asked.

“Double-pole right?”

She asked back. Typical Naija girl. SHe even don waka reach that ends self.

“Yes.”

I replied, I just dey pray make no be July f00l she wan run for my head.

“Expect me in the next 15 minutes.”

She said and cut the call. Na which house self she wan come? My sister place? For where. I quickly pull my clothes, where white sleeveless, three-quarter and palm-sandals. I look my brother, him still dey watch film. I for like carry the guy join body but men, this babe fit need something else o. I no forget to carry my wallet sha. I pick my phone, dial my friend wey him house dey closer to double pole. Toto can really change the world. Me wey dey fear double-pole wan attempt the place in the night. What can toto not do?

“Gordon-kpokorrrrr!!!”

I hala the guy.

“Foxy-B in the building.”

No ask me o. Na my stage name be that.

“You dey your crib?”

“Yes, you dey come.”

“Big time. E get one game wey I wan run for there.”

I answered him.

“Oya na, I dey wait. Do sharp sharp come as I wan comot self.”

Bingo!!! I pray make the parole make sense ooooooo.

WATCH OUT FOR PART 7
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